Our Darkest Dreams
by kodakclick
Summary: Kate Beckett is finally beginning to feel the effects of her near-death experiences with Castle.  The only problem is... it's reminiscent of the path she went down after her mom died.  Set a month or so after Countdown.
1. Chapter 1

"Mom! I had no idea you could _do_ that!"

Laughter erupted from all three Becketts in response to Johanna's story. "Sweetie, you better believe it - and that's not even the craziest of her skills," her dad lead her on with a grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye. Kate knew that look was reserved just for the love of her mother. She gave a light-hearted laugh from the backseat of the car and shifted her attention to the woman.

"How come you've never told me these stories before?"

"Because, Katie, you were never quite old enough… Besides, I have to find some way to keep you mystified about me… You might find me old and boring once you know all my secrets."

Kate's eyes narrowed in suspicion as she poked her mother playfully. "You'll never cease to amaze me, Mom. No matter what." The car lulled into silence before Kate sighed with content. "This has been one of the best dinners we've had, in my opinion," she chimed, leaning back against the leather seat. She closed her eyes, letting the pleasant ambiance wash over her. It had been a while since she could get a night off to have dinner with her parents. _But that's what makes these nights some of my favorites_, she mused with a small smile.

Jim nodded in agreement, but remained concentrated on the road. Johanna glanced back at her daughter with a smile. "It's nice to have dinner with you, sweetie. You know your father and I wouldn't miss the chance to catch up with you. Too bad that big ol' important job of yours keeps you so busy…" She winked at Kate to remind her that she was joking it. Kate had always marveled at her mother's gift to turn something serious into light-hearted conversation. In truth, Johanna was very proud to tell people that her daughter was a homicide detective for NYPD. It gave her hope to know that there were still dedicated officers who would settle for nothing but the truth.

Kate could only return an apologetic smile before her dad turned the corner and she saw the red and blue lights flashing in front of her apartment. The same concerned look overtook Kate's and Johanna's features. Jim slowed the car to a stop before addressing his daughter. "Is there a chance that this is only work-related?" Kate merely shook her head in response. Words, as well as rational thought, had escaped her. Her green eyes searched the scene before her, trying to make sense of it all.

A sense of déjà vu consumed her. She flashed back to what felt like a half-remembered dream. She was a teenager experiencing the same exact scene, but slightly different. Why was she suddenly remembering a dream in the midst of this terrifying reality? Kate shook her head in an attempt to escape the barrage of confusing thoughts. Stepping out of the car first, Kate used one hand to tell her parents to stay while the other instinctively reached for the gun normally holstered at her hip. She obviously didn't have it with her. What kind of daughter brings a gun to dinner with her parents when she's not even on call? Kate Beckett was tough and hard-nosed, but she was still very much a loving daughter.

"Detective Kate Beckett?" She nodded at the approaching officer, automatically slipping into the tough persona that was Detective Beckett. "I'm Detective John Raglan. Can we step inside? I'm afraid I have some bad news." Again she nodded, then looked to her parents waiting in the car. She beckoned them to come in, then followed Detective Raglan through her door. She felt nothing - not even the bone-chilling air that had settled into New York for the winter. It was a small wonder, really; Kate expected dread and terror to overwhelm her… but it wasn't there. She felt numb.

Kate suddenly found herself on her couch leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, talking to Raglan. His scratchy voice permeated the deafening silence that surrounded her. She didn't even notice the presence of her parents in the room. "I'm sorry to tell you…" Kate held her breath. "… that Richard Castle has been murdered." Kate stared at him, at this point _unable_ to breathe. "I wouldn't break it to a normal friend of the vic, but it's you Detective and I know you work with it everyday. His COD was multiple stabs to the abdomen." Johanna squeezed her hand and Kate remembered to finally breathe. She took a shaky breath before swallowing, steeling her mind against the hurricane of emotion that threatened to take her under.

"No," she murmured. "That can't be…" Her voice was a weak whisper; her now pallid green eyes began to glisten. The sensation of déjà vu attacked her once again, and this time she was sucked into the half-remembered dream she was plagued with earlier.

Kate felt thrown into her younger body, fully aware that she had just received news of Rick's death. The turn of events threatened to push her over the edge had she not felt completely trapped in her conflicted state of mind. Everything was the same as before, only she was nineteen. Detective Raglan sat before her with the same solemn look on his face. "Johanna Beckett was found murdered in Washington Heights." He hung his head a little, looking down at his shoes and nervously clasping his hands. "I'm so very sorry for your loss."

That was when all hell broke loose. Everything went black. The void swirled around her and consumed her until the only sensation left was pain and despair. Kate Beckett screamed with everything that was left in her.

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At four past two in the morning, Kate Beckett sat up in her bed screaming.

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**Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! I'm still a little new to fanfic writing, so any constructive criticism/review would help! I realize that all the time periods and details are all mixed up; they are supposed to be that way. We never realize how strange a dream is while we're in them, right? Anyways - more to come soon! We're going to be on a boat/fishing all day tomorrow and I'll be sure to have my moleskin handy so I can write the next chapter if I'm able. :] - Sam**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Wow guys.. just WOW! I did not expect that kind of feedback! All of you are amazing. Thank you for your reviews and story/author alerts. I am so blown away. You guys make me want to keep writing. 3 ~~ Sorry I took a little longer than expected with this next chapter, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. (and don't ask me how I managed ~1400 words with very little dialogue. I have no idea.) Anyways, love you all! `Sam**

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Tears flowed down her face freely. Pain scratched through her sore throat as another sob wretched through her body. Cold sweat coated her skin, causing her pajamas and sheets to stick to her. She gasped for air while her wild green eyes darted around the dark bedroom. She searched for anything, _something_, to give her a sense of reality. The numbers of her alarm clock glared an evil red 2:04.

Her heart slammed in her chest like a caged animal. No matter how many shaky breaths she took, Kate couldn't seem to calm down. She felt sick, but found that paralysis controlled her body, so she did her best to squash the lump rising in her throat. After a minute or two, she sat up against the headboard, hugged her knees tight to her chest and allowed herself to cry.

At first Kate had no idea what had hit her - no idea what made her wake up screaming - but now images flooded her memory and plagued her conscious. The sound of her family's laughter echoed through her mind, haunting her. They were so happy then… Another sob ripped through Kate's body. She could still see her mother's face, smiling back at her from the front seat. A thought - one all too familiar - snuck in. _If only she had made it to dinner that night…_ Kate felt that all too familiar tug on her heart, one leading down a path she took less than twelve years ago. Instinctively, she curled into herself even tighter than before. Her breathing had slowed slightly, but became frantic once more at the thought of going down that road again. She couldn't. She _wouldn't_. Going that way was bad enough the first time; it nearly destroyed her. But the truth - the reality - was that if she went down there again, Kate feared that she wouldn't be strong enough to recover again. She just didn't think she had that kind of strength left in her. That's what terrified her the most.

Raglan's voice echoed in her head much as it did on the nights her mother's death broke through her walls - especially the following three months of the news. Kate lifted her head to wipe away the trail of tears and grabbed one of her pillows. She sniffed, trying valiantly to regain some semblance of control while hugging the pillow tight to her chest. Her pallid green eyes widened when she realized that Raglan's voice - though it sounded the same - wasn't saying what she assumed it was. "Rick…" His name came out in a faint whisper, so weak that she barely heard it herself. _Rick Castle has been murdered. Rick. Murdered._ Another sob shook Kate's body as she closed herself in again. _What if…_ her cruel mind began to wander, but the detective shook her head. "I can't..." She was sure her heart would shatter at just the thought of these wandering fantasies; she was surprised it hadn't already.

Kate knew that 'what if' scenarios were dangerous and poisonous to her mind, but they were addictive. She had already played that game with Johanna's death and it almost literally tore her apart. There was no way she could start this game with hers and Castle's near-death experiences, especially the most recent ones. The fact of the matter is, she reminded herself, that they both made it out alive - from the radiation scare, the freezer, and the dirty bomb. Kate didn't need to remind herself that Castle was the reason most of New York was alive today. Raglan's voice tortured her conscious still. When it seemed that he refused to go away (no matter how hard she wished he would), she reached over and grabbed her cell off the nightstand. Nearly dropping it because of her shaky hands, Kate fumbled with the buttons for a moment before finding Castle's name in her contacts.

Kate paused, her thumb hovering over his name. "You're being ridiculous, Katherine," she admonished herself, shaking her head before tossing the phone into her pillows. She sighed and leaned back against the headboard. Running her hands through her hair, she let out a sigh. "He's fine. Alive. Just as he left the precinct last night. You're being an idiot." What she wanted to say was that she was going crazy. There was no reason to think that anything had happened just because her old nightmares resurfaced with a new twist. "Just pull yourself together, Kate. You've done it before." The detective thought back to the years following her mom's death, remembering the complete solitude of her situation. How desperate she was to find some sort of peace in all of her misery and hopelessness as she watched her father drink himself under almost every night. That nightmare plagued her for months; she had to have a doctor prescribe a sleep aid in order to function daily.

_If I can make it through _that, she thought before she went off on a rabbit trail, _I'm overreacting. Just go back to sleep._ Try as she might, Kate lay in several different positions - covers on, off, then tossed off the bed with a frustrated grunt. Her constant movement, she knew, was only a distraction from the images and sounds infiltrating her mind. As soon as she could finally settle down, Kate drew in her pillow and wrapped herself around it.

She couldn't think. Didn't _dare_ to think. Kate didn't have any will or strength left to process what she had seen in her dreams. She let the tears run their course with free will. Exhausted and haunted by her past and deepest secrets, Kate just lay in bed incapable of sleep. She watched her clock turn numbers with agonizing reluctance. As soon as they glared 6:46, she slammed down on it to shut it up. She let out a tired sigh and forced her fatigued and stiff body out of bed. Trudging miserably to her bathroom, Kate examined the damage of her emotions. The tears had stained her face and the bags already permanently fixed beneath her eyes just looked worse. Her eyes were bloodshot. _This is going to be one hell of a day_, the detective thought as she washed her face and went about making herself look presentable.

Twenty minutes later, Kate emerged from her bedroom only somewhat satisfied with her appearance. The boys wouldn't notice anything different, and if they did they wouldn't say anything. Lanie, however, would hound her in a heartbeat. She wasn't able to make the red lines in her eyes disappear. Just as she was putting the pot of coffee on, her cell phone interrupted the silence of her apartment.

Kate didn't even check the caller ID before answering it. "Beckett." It was scary how well she could slip on the mask of Detective Beckett.

"We've got a body." Esposito's voice cut right through the fog that seemed to surround her senses. Kate let out a sigh; she hoped today was just a paperwork day so she didn't have to a) face Castle and b) suppress these emotions so much that she might burst. Esposito was still talking on the other end, giving her the address. When she didn't answer right away, he paused. "You okay, boss?"

"Yup. I'll get Castle and meet you there in 30." She disconnected the call and glanced over to her coffee maker. Well, so much for a bolstering shot of energy. Could this get any - Kate stopped herself from finishing the question. You don't ask questions you don't want answered. Pressing Castle's speed dial number, she grabbed her keys and headed out of the door. "Castle. Yeah, you better be ready by the time I get there."

After she hung up, Kate rubbed her forehead with an exasperated expression. Raglan's voice whispered Castle's name in her mind, truly haunting her. She forcefully shut out all of the residual images and sensations from her nightmare and escaped into Detective Kate Beckett, the woman impervious to almost everything. She could not afford to be vulnerable or shaken by something as silly as a nightmare. That was not a facet of Detective Beckett, and that's who she was determined to be today.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: First of all, I just want to thank everyone who keeps reading and reviewing. All of you are awesome! Secondly, I wanted to apologize for not updating sooner. It's hard for me to get much free time with all my classes and soccer practice because now I'm just exhausted all the time. This chapter is pretty short compared to the others, but I have very grand plans for the upcoming one - don't worry!**

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She noticed the footsteps first. Her footsteps, actually. They had always been of the loudest in the precinct because of her heels, but the sound seemed to resonate deafeningly in her ears. They were slow - slower than even her leisurely pace. Her feet carried her around the corner. She looked ahead and knew that they were in the precinct before she could even take in the details. They were headed towards the elevator. Wait - they?

Her tunnel vision expanded when a tense voice cut through her concentration. "I don't know, Dick, you tell me. Last time I checked, we were still in a police station." Suddenly, her wary green eyes fell upon Castle held at gun point by Dick Coonan. Kate knew what would play out, but whether by instinct or by memory, she couldn't tell. The cockiness of Coonan's look bothered her greatly. Anger and some other emotions she couldn't quite place swelled within her, but as a trained detective she controlled herself. Acting out is what gets people killed in this line of business.

The distinct _snick_ of a cocked gun echoed in her ears. Her eyes immediately found the Captain aiming at the bastard that killed her mother. Panic masked the other emotions, and while she implored Montgomery - pleaded even - to let her handle this, she knew that he wouldn't back down. This was the last chance to get the information out of their suspect, and it was near hopeless. Logically, there was no way this could end well. Her detective brain went into overdrive, analyzing any and every possibility of what could transpire next. Kate knew Montgomery well enough to predict his movements and Coonan's actions were hardly out of character for a skilled killer. What Who she forgot to factor in was Castle and his damn unpredictability. Had he been any normal hostage, what did happen would never have. But his brave stupidity is what started some of this in the first place.

Before she had time to process much of anything else, Castle reared his head back. Kate heard the sickening crunch as the back of her partner's skull connected with Coonan's nose. In slow motion, the suspect stumbled backwards, one hand going towards his face briefly while the other raised the gun. There was no falter. Running on instinct, Kate's hand flew to her hip and brought her gun, cocking it as she raised it. Hardly a millisecond went by. Mentally taking a breath, she blinked once to perfect her aim.

In the span of that blink, something shifted. Kate felt it in her being before she even opened her eyes. Dread assaulted her entire mind, and suddenly she was afraid to open them. She did anyway - Castle had to be saved. What she saw hit her like a train. It paralyzed her instantly - both physically and mentally.

There before her stood Johanna Beckett, holding a loaded gun aimed at Rick.

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**AN: Sorry for stopping it there, but I had to. The next chapter is probably going to turn into a monster, but it will be well worth it, I promise! It's probably going to take me a while to update, but please hang with me. Thanks for reading! `Sam**


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